This blog thing is new to me, and a bit of an experiment. I've been trying to figure out a way to share my residency journey with people without it being totally exhausting and stressful for me. The whole e-mail update thing worked during medical school, but I can't quite go there these days. Too much going on all at once. But I do journal a lot, and the other night while I was journaling about some of the patients I'd seen in the past few days, it occurred to me that I could do a sort of online journal and share my experiences with those who care to hear about them. That way I can debrief the way I need to, and if anyone dares read my thoughts, they can go on this journey with me. Worth a try, I guess.
Right now I'm trying to wrap my head and heart around saying goodbye to my good friend Jacqui from South Africa/Mozambique tomorrow. She's been here 5 months. I know it's a roller coaster for her. For me, it brings me back to all the times I've had to get ready to leave China and say goodbye there, after being there a good length of time. Life is a bit of a hard reality. We can't hold on to things or people. God gives us incredible relationships with people, and sometimes we have them closeby, while other times we're in different parts of the world. I know that's only going to become more of a reality for me as time goes on. I wouldn't trade the relationships for the world, but the comings and goings are still very hard! I guess it's all part of God putting eternity in our hearts. We always have a sense of longing that can really only be filled with Him, and really won't be fully satisfied until we're with Him in eternity. Until then, the longing and the heartache are tools to draw us to Him, and to remember that this world is not our home and this reality isn't the ultimate reality. Still hard, though.
I had one patient in the hospital this week who was dying. I've been part of the team looking after him for the last month or so. He's Korean, in his 60s. He was just getting worse and worse over the past few weeks, despite all our best efforts, and finally on Thursday the decision was made to stop all heroic measures, and just keep him comfortable and let him go. It's a hard decision to make, but in this case, I think it was the right one. On Friday morning I was outside his room in the ICU when 2 Korean men went in. They each stood on a side of his bed and started singing a hymn in Korean for him. It was a hymn I'd heard in Chinese, and it just about did me in. It was so beautiful to hear them sing, and I knew they were singing him on his way to be with Jesus. It makes such a difference when people know the Lord, because then death isn't the ultimate enemy. I'm sure he has died by now, but I'm also pretty sure I'll meet him again. Lord, be with his friends and family.
We also have a 26-year-old guy right now who was just diagnosed this past week with very advanced colon cancer. 26! I had to be the one to tell them how serious things actually were. I thought they knew, so went into his room to check on something else, and found them asking me what was going on... That was a hard conversation to have!
I have the weekend off for a change (and it's even a long weekend!), but I sure find it hard not to think about what's going on at the hospital, and how my patients are doing, etc. I often wake up at night thinking about one situation or another. I wonder if that gets better as people become more experienced. I try to use those times as opportunities to pray for them as they come to mind.
Yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of my med school graduation. I've been a doctor for a year! I sure feel a lot more like one now than I did then. Amazing what getting thrown into residency will do to you! I'm sure a different person now than I was then...and it's only the 1st year!
