Today was one of those days where everything seemed to go wrong at the hospital, not just with me, but with everyone. We all seemed to be in a bad mood, several patients weren't doing very well, and nothing went smoothly. Several surgeries had to be cancelled for various reasons. It was all a bit chaotic, really. I woke up in a good mood, but things went downhill quickly almost as soon as I got to the hospital. Didn't help that I had to tell a patient's family about the new diagnosis of extensively metastatic stomach cancer early on in the day, either. We all got through the day somehow, though.
My day at the hospital finished with my meeting with the director of the General Surgery rotation at St Joe's for my final evaluation. I definitely had a bit of a breakdown once that was over! We spent most of the time talking about all the problems there have been these last 6 months. He pointed out that things have been getting worse and worse at this hospital, and that I happened to be there in the middle of a big pendulum swing to the bad side. Great! And then he informed me that he feels really badly that for the last 6 months I've had very little support and supervision. He added that he and all the other staff surgeons at the hospital have been very worried about me (and the other surgical resident on the other team), not because we were doing badly, but just because the situation had gotten out of hand. Apparently there have been lots of discussions going on over my head about the situation...would have been nice if they'd expressed their concern and support to me! They're all relieved (and I believe he also used the word "surprised") at how well things have gone for me despite all this, but they all feel really bad, apparently. He told me he hoped I wasn't reconsidering my career as a surgeon, because this wasn't representative of what it's usually like. In the midst of all this, he told me they're all really happy with how I've done, and that I'll make an excellent surgeon, and that I'm coming out of these 6 months way ahead of where most people are at the end of their first year.
Wow! That was a bit of an intense conversation. I guess I haven't just been imagining the fact that this last block of time has been kind of crazy. I felt sort of validated after all that. But I also felt a bit frustrated, because nobody has communicated any of this to me until now, and I've been left wondering if anyone knew or cared about what was going on. I guess they did, though it sure didn't change anything. I found myself transiently reliving the last 6 months, and it was a bit overwhelming, to say the least!
God is good, though. Last night He had started giving me some perspective on all this, and while I temporarily lost it today, after a great worship time tonight, He's given it back, and with more besides. Basically, I really feel like He has been in all this, and that it has been all part of His plan for me. Obviously that's true, because it always is, but sometimes it's easy to feel like a victim of circumstance, and to believe that God will ultimately work it all out for good, but that He somehow made a mistake on this one. But last night I actually felt like this whole thing has been a "set-up" in a way. Really, when you look at it all, it's pretty ridiculous. There was one month, for instance (March, I believe), where there were 2 residents on my team - myself and a 1st year radiology resident. On the other team, which is always about half as busy as mine, they had a 1st year emergency medicine resident, and then 3 general surgery residents, in 2nd-year, 3rd-year, and 5th-year! How does that make any sense at all??? It doesn't. I was upset and frustrated about that before. But last night it occurred to me that that was so ridiculous that God must have had His hand in it. Certainly the experience that I've gotten these last 6 months is WAY beyond what most first-year residents get. It's been hard and very stretching, but I've made it to the other side with so many new tools, experiences, and skills. That's God! I felt tonight like He was reminding me that He is the one in charge of my life, and that I need to look at everything from the perspective of eternity and His purposes, rather than from the perspective of earth and what makes sense in the natural. My education and training are not just controlled by my residency program - ultimately they are in God's hands. And He has a hand-picked course for me to follow. It's not easy, but it's good, and it's to accomplish His purposes and to bring Him glory in the end.
I was reminded tonight of a picture someone shared with me a few months back. It was of me in the middle of a stormy ocean. There was no land in sight, and I was terrified that I was going to drown. What I didn't realize was that I had about 10 life-preservers on (both the ring kind and lifejackets), and there was NO WAY I was going to drown. That was a really cool picture, because I was feeling so overwhelmed and over my head, and very much afraid that I was going to drown. But I didn't, and there was really never any danger of it, because God had so many life-preservers around me. Looking back over the last several months, I feel like the Lord is just saying, "See, you didn't drown! I had you safe all along."
So I'm feeling much better about things now. I'm now just really curious to see what the rest of my residency holds if this is the course He chose for me in my FIRST year. I don't imagine it's going to settle down and become normal...whatever that means! In the meantime, though, I have to say that I'm glad this stretch is winding down and almost done. I'm running out of grace for it.
