Warning: I'm post-call right now, so you may need to take everything I say with a grain of salt...or two!
So I'm halfway through my "research" month, and not quite sure what's going to happen come August 1. I know what's supposed to happen. I'm supposed to start Gastroenterology (also known as GI), where the focus is on doing as much scoping as possible (i.e. gastroscopies/colonoscopies, that sort of thing, for those of you who really care). As you may recall, I was supposed to start that July 1, but because of my wrist trouble, I arranged to do a research month for July (and make up the extra month of GI later on). All very well, except that it's currently July 15, and I can't say my wrist is that much better. I don't know, maybe it's a LITTLE bit better, but not much. I'm getting frustrated with the process, and am a bit unsure of what to do. Do I keep on forking over the $ for phyio treatments, which may or may not be helping (or is it too early to tell if it's helping)? Do I try to get the plastic surgeon to give me another cortisone shot and try not to waste it this time by going back to full-tilt operating 3 days later? He just wasn't very eager to inject it again...more risk with each injection, though lots of people get more than one. I'm splinting, icing, taking anti-inflammatories, resting, physio, and most importantly, praying and getting lots of prayer. I don't know what else to do. All I know is that August 1 I'm supposed to be back to working with my hand again, and I don't know if I'll be ready.
I really hope I'm ready, though. I'm missing being a doctor! It's been sort of nice to have a bit of a break, because with research it's not the same intense schedule as usual. But I do have to keep up the work, and have something to show for it by the end of the month. I don't like being academic like this, though. I want to look after patients, interact with them and their families, be part of the healthcare team again. I was on call yesterday for General Surgery (because yes, I still have to do call even though this is a research month and even though I can't operate), and I really didn't want to go yesterday morning. But once I got there I was happy as a lark, because I was actually being a doctor again. So I don't know what I'll do if come August 1 my hand isn't better. For one thing, I don't know how much grace I can get from my program to defer things. People can take a month or two to do research later in residency, so so far it's not cutting into anything (I'm just doing this early). But I don't know how supportive they would be of my taking more than a month at this stage. And for another thing, I don't WANT to take another month! I'm bored and tired of not doing what I'm in residency to be doing. I don't want to say anything to my program director yet, but I'll need wisdom over the next couple weeks to know what to do about all this.
Once again I find myself double-minded about this whole thing...when I'm in the midst of the craziness I want out, and now that I'm out I want back in! I don't really want back in at St Joe's, though. I've had enough of that place for awhile! I'm doing call at a different hospital these days, and it's SO much better. I actually feel supported by staff, and there is a chief resident, so I don't have to be it - I can be the learner who calls for support and advice when needed, instead of being the one everyone looks to for everything.
I know God is in control of all this, and He's not panicking, so I guess I don't need to, either. He's perfectly capable of taking care of me, of healing my wrist, of leading me as He always has. I'm just back asking the typical questions again..."I know He's led me in His perfect plans all along, and I know He's provided and done miraculous things again and again, and that He is good, and all that, but is it still true? Will He still do it?" Obviously He still is who He says He is, and I just have another opportunity to learn that and to trust and wait in the process. It's not so much fun, though! I keep finding myself thinking back to a month or so ago when He gave me perspective on the last 6 months, and how amazing that revelation was. Why am I so quick to forget all of that? I guess I'm human.
